Jokes and Quotes

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Jeeves, the Butler

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn’t having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door.

She looked at him and smiled. “Jeeves,” she said. “Take off my dress.” He did this carefully. “Jeeves,” she continued, “Take off my stockings and garter.” He silently obeyed her. “Jeeves,” she then said, “Remove my bra and panties.”

As he did this, the tension continued to mount. She looked at him and then said, “Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you’re fired!”

Lingerie Shopping With the Kids

While I was shopping in the mall with my three children, a display in the window of a lingerie store caught my eye. “Do you think Daddy would like this?” I asked the kids, as I pointed to a lacy thing with matching robe.

My horrified six-year-old son replied, “No way. Daddy would NEVER wear THAT!”

Blonde’s Cab Fare

After traveling a few blocks, Miss Well-Endowed realized she had no money and immediately informed the driver. “You’d better stop. I can’t pay you and it’s ten dollars already,” she said.

The driver checked her out in the rear-view mirror, and said “That’s okay. I’ll turn down the first dark street, get in the back seat, and take off your bra.”

She replied, “You’d be cheating yourself. This bra is only worth five dollars.”

Engineering Students

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said to the other, “Where did you get such a great looking bike?”

The second engineer replied, “Well, I was just strolling along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful well-built woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, exposing a milky-white firm body. In a soft whisper, she said, ‘Take what you want.’”

The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”

Hillary’s Panties

President Clinton and Vice President Gore were coming back from a health care meeting in their Limo when Gore asks, “Hey Bill, what are you gonna do when you get back to the White House?”

Bill replied, “Well, I’m gonna tear off Hillary’s panties!”

“Wow!” exclaimed Gore. “I didn’t know you and Hillary were so passionate!”

So Clinton replies, “We’re not. It’s just that these damn things are starting to cut into my waist!”

Mermaid IQ Wishes

Three guys are out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish.

Now one of the guys just doesn’t believe it, and says, “Okay, if you can really grant wishes, then double my IQ.”

The mermaid says, “Done.”

Suddenly the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight. The second guy is so amazed, he says to the mermaid, “Triple my IQ.”

The mermaid says, “Done.”

The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists in various fields: physics, chemistry, etc.

The last guy is so enthralled with the changes to his friends that he says to the mermaid, “Quintuple my IQ.”

The mermaid looks at him and says, “You know, I don’t usually try to change people’s minds when they make a wish, but I really wish that you would reconsider.”

The guy says, “No, I want you to increase my IQ times five, and if you don’t do it, I won’t set you free.”

“Please,” says the mermaid, “You don’t understand what you’re asking; it will change your entire view on the universe. Won’t you ask for something else… a million dollars, anything?”

But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his IQ increased by five times its usual power.

So the mermaid sighed and said, “Done.”

And he became a woman.

The Picture on the Nightstand

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

“Is this your husband?” he nervously asks.

“No, silly,” she replies, snuggling up to him.

“Your boyfriend, then?” he continues.

“No, not at all,” she says, nibbling away at his ear.

“Is it your dad or your brother?” he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

“No, no, no!!!” she answers.

“Well, who in the hell is he, then?” he demands.

“That’s me before the surgery.”

Joe Starts Wearing an Earring

Morris is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker, Joe, is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense.

Morris yells out, “Hey Joe! I didn’t know you were into earrings.”

Joe sheepishly replies, “Don’t make such a big deal out of it… it’s only an earring.”

Morris continues to probe, “No really. How long have you been wearing one?”

Joe answers, “Ever since my wife, Becky, found it in our bed.”

Who Wears the Pants?

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, “Here, put these on.”

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. “I can’t wear your pants,” she said. “That’s right,” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”

With that she flipped him her panties and said “Try these on.” He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. “Heck,” he said. “I can’t get into your panties!” She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to be until your attitude changes!”

Definition of a Transvestite

Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary!

Worst Dream of My Life

A man told his shrink, “Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, all dancing in a row…”

His psychiatrist interrupted, “Hold it, Andy. That doesn’t sound so terrible.”

“Oh yeah?” replied Andy, “In the dream, I was the third girl from the end!”

Cab Driver Wants to Kiss Nun

A cabby picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, “I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.” She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I am single and I’m Catholic too.”   “OK,” the nun says, “Pull into the next alley.”

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”

“Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK, my name is Kevin and I’m on my way to a Halloween party.”

Funny Boxing Quote

“I love boxing. Where else do two grown men prance around in satin underwear, fighting over a belt?… The one who wins gets a purse. They do it in gloves. It’s the accessory connection I love.” — John McGovern

Difference Between Monica Lewinsky and a Crossdressing Sailor

What’s the difference between Monica Lewinsky and a crossdressing sailor?

With the sailor, the dress is on the seaman!

Dennis Rodman Gets Walking Papers

What did Dennis Rodman do when the Lakers gave him his pink slip?

He put it on and left!

Handicap or Perk?

One day a man comes home from work he finds his wife in the living room.

Husband: “Um, honey, I’ve got something to tell you.”
Wife: “Hold on, I’ve got something to tell you first.”
Husband: “What is it?”
Wife: “Well, before we knew each other, I… uh… had a sex change.”
Husband: “What exactly are you saying?”
Wife: “I used to be a man.”
Husband: “My god, and you’ve been hitting from the ladies tees this whole time!”

Gender Recognition

Man: “Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?”
Bystander: “It’s a girl. She’s my daughter.”
Man: “Oh, please forgive me, ma’am. I had no idea you were her mother.”
Bystander: “I’m not. I’m her father.”

Man Thinks He’s a Woman

Man to Psychiatrist: “You have to help me, Doctor. I’m starting to believe I’m a woman.”
Psychiatrist: “Why do you think that?”
Man: “It was something my gynecologist said to me the other day.”

New Lyrics to Song “Winter Wonderland”

Lacy things… the wife is missin’,

Didn’t ask… her permission,

I’m wearin’ her clothes,

Her silk pantyhose,

Walkin’ round in women’s underwear.

In the store… there’s a teddy,

Little straps… like spaghetti,

It holds me so tight,

Like handcuffs at night,

Walkin’ round in women’s underwear.

In the office there’s a guy named Marvin,

He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.

He’ll say, “Are you ready?” I’ll say, “Whoa, Man!”

“Let’s wait until our wives are out of town!”

Later on… if you wanna,

We can dress… like Madonna,

Put on some eyeshade,

And join the parade,

Walkin’ round in women’s underwear.

New Lyrics to Song “Home on the Range”

Oh, give me a clone,

Of my own flesh and bone,

With the Y chromosome changed to X.

And when she is grown,

My very own clone,

We’ll be of the opposite sex.

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